Loss of references

Excerpt from Journal:

“It seems She’s always been there. Couldn’t I see ? I had no feelings, no attraction, no knowledge about her, nothing. And this world didn’t talk to me at all, I couldn’t penetrate it.

But now ! Now is the funny thing of all. Everywhere I turn, I see Her. Everything I touch, it’s hers. There is no “escape”, it’s everywhere I look, and transforms everything. All my past references, landmarks, were they false ? She’s transforming them. My Matron Goddess seems to be living, Spirits are rushing towards me in a crowd, calling me to Her place. My pendulum was commissioned to speak and connect with my ancestors and some spirits, but now the Dead rushing through have been taking it over ; the skull, the colors (black and brown, onyx/obisidian and tiger eye) speak of their realm and of Her. A spider climbing my book and my hand, and I have that taste in my mouth, this flash of “down there”. I try to avoid it, I try not to think about it, not to project. But everywhere, they and She are everywhere…

I’ve seen Her in my mirror this morning, putting an old necklace I could not bear anymore but the colors were matching my shirt : the look of my face with the two pendants earrings, and the necklace…. Apples. I could see her, and her graps, enclosing me. Is that what I felt ? “No matter what you do, wherever you go, you’re mine”…

I think all this is beyond me, but I’m not sure what is happening yet…

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The Sun Dance

And here it is happening again, I’m out for a World Tour… Initiation is so painful. And it never comes alone, its sisters are all around waiting for you.

“within the sacred arbor
the warriors of the sun
tied to the Tree of Life
until the dancing’s done”

Jamie Sams

The Sun Dance describes exactly what it is…

The energy of rebellion is the energy of light, Breton

My friend is just so gifted at finding quotes…

“C’est la révolte même, la révolte seule qui est créatrice de lumière. Et cette lumière ne peut se connaître que par trois voies : la poésie, la liberté et l’amour[…]” – André Breton, Arcane 17

Which means if I translate into English :

It is the revolt itself, the revolt only, which creates light. And this light cannot be known but through three ways : poetry, freedom and love…

Obsessed

I just come here to drop by a word and salute my distant friends that will smile at this short meditation.

I think I’m just becoming completely obsessed. As some know, I’m a researcher in English literature. Two years ago I worked on ultra contemporary US literature and yet my whole dissertation was based on greek theater and tragedy. My focus is on the weird notion of “voice” in written texts, and I keep coming back to the Greeks. It’s haunting me. The year is going to start in october but I have to start working now because I’ll be away, and I’ve been back to the dear Virginia Woolf. I’ve chosen to work on the great but painful The Waves, and I’ve starting reading and thinking again… What is her theory about voices ? This book is such a symphony, what purpose do voices serve ? I’m reading a short introduction in my book which sums up her theory about identity, the ambiguity of being both changing and continuons, the multiple facets of personality… and now all I can think is my previous dissertation again ! Dionysos, greek theater, the chorus of voices, the masks… I took back my notes from yesterday and it’s all about mascarade, Harlequin and Columbine, mascarade vs symphony… and death. And my fucking initiation, and orphism : self and false self, masks, death and rebirth… Gosh, The Waves is about the taboo of someone’s death after all, and a sort of funeral hymn that the characters’ voices build.

What the hell ? Well, I need to check if it’s been already written, her link to the antique sources, because there is just too much written about her work. But if I can’t think of anything else when I study those themes, why fight ? After all, that would be funny if I have to explain my teachers that Harlequin is actually an old pagan figures of the Underworld, that it is linked to Dionysos and initiation, that theater and mascarades are about the Self and … and … and….

Accepting Who I Am

Still a lesson that is hard to learn, as I was discussing with Sannion.

Accepting my weirdness, my anger, my numerous facets, my solitary status, prefering spirits to humans, knowing better how they work than humans, my Sight, … It’s hard. Because my mind was born in a world that shuts all this down. And this morning I found this article that was a huge comfort and/or encouragement for me :

The different things I am interested in don’t seem to mix, but they are all a part of the same path because they all come from me.  Those facets are all part of one diamond. My job in it is to accept who I am, love that person with all of her strangeness, challenges, and loveliness. This is who Spirit built me to be.

In the middle of a touching article about passive discrimination, I saw this which directly spoke to me.

A New Face of Aphrodite

Aphrodite the Dark. Thanks to Sannion I got hold of this marvellous poetry which possesses the high quality of reflection.

 

Venus under the light of the Sun

Prefers roses and pretty little flowers

But Venus under the light of the Moon

Leaves aside her train of amorous sprites

To lull the shady ones out (with Hekate’s consent)

For, you see, Venus loves the poisons too

Was it not she who provided the apple

Knowing well the ancient Hag’s intent?

But, poisons do not always lead to death

Though they may give many wings

Their power alone seduces

And this makes them beloved of Venus

Who, on certain nights when she is dark

Her fairness gone away, rides

With phantom cavalcades

And whoso chances upon this sight

The Lady offers a green kiss

But the touch of her alone is poison

So Venus wanders the night

In search of one that can drink

Of her love-poison

It makes me think of Aphrodite in a new way. I experienced her joy, her light heart, her beauty… but if she is of the sea, she possesses depths and shadows as intense as her light. Aphrodite, the moon, fertility’s extension in poison, seduction, intoxication, … a very wide range of study opens to me !