An article originally written in French, for my online shrine two my Egyptian Guides. It is many things put into one article. A devotion to Meretseger, who is not that known and talked about. But also a meditation on Silence, as a tool and as a Sacred Path, and also something more general about death work.
Even if I have been surrounded by Death deities for a long time, I never cesae to be amazed by the things hat I find out and learn, which I had not realised earlier. Each of them who guide me corresponds to most signifying elements of my work, and each can be an object of meditation, a whole paradigm itself for me to study.
Meretseger arrived rather early in my polytheist path. It was so natural that I have trouble remembering how and why. But I must have been feeling something very intense, while reading a list of Egyptian deities, or reading through an article. I think it was during my researchs to find myself an Egyptian name, so that I could call myself and be called by Gods from this tradition. And obviously, “She who loves Silence” struck me deeply, even though I did not realized its underlying depth and high significance. It is very disturbing for me actually, this type of experience is upsetting. When you see how much one element is so deep and essential for all that you are and do, how it goes back in time, to the beginning of your quest. And it is only now that I can perceive and understand clearly, and wholly, thanks to all the distance I’ve run, with my fragments of knowledge and practice.
My work with the Dead is intricate. It’s only the beginning, and yet it is already so complex and multi-fold. It wavers between several attitudes, or postures, and each represent a whole panel of the work. And today, only today, I finally realised how much Meretseger’s presence at my side was logical, how she could have been a great guide, a great help ! But at the time I was not conscious of every detail of death work, or even my own path. Moreover, I think this Goddess has the particularity of being especially elusive. Her energy his soft, but discreet, remote, when she is not angry, and so hard to actually feel. This makes it difficult to reach her. Thus, I am not very surprised that I wasn’t able to follow her road before. She would be – would because I don’t like the following concepts – a sort of archetype or model ; plus, she looks “like” me ; she’s one of the posture of the Death Worker, a part which I work on : the withdrawal from the world, into silence. This is a rather solitary path, and a private one in a way.
Silence, out of respect for the Dead, but also for the few living who are also part of the work, those who are grieving. Silence, as a funeral ornament and tool, much more than a ritual necklace. Silence, as an act of devotion. Silence, as a way of honoring. Silence, as a paradoxical speech ; even as a different, profound language. Silence, as a taboo, because Death inhabits the Silence. And because the work has to remain unspoken of.
I have fought and rejected silence for so long ! In my spirituality at least, because I am eager to share and exchange. But I now walk a Path of Silence ; it is a sacred path of its own. And for me, it is at the same time a trial (which makes it even more sacred), an limpid reality (it’s been more than a year that I no loner share only the details and structure of my path and practice online), and the structure, and matter, of my work – As I said earlier, at the same time a place, an attitude, a tool, a ritual in itself… It is complex, and obviously beyond words. A beautiful tautology, isn’t it ? But how could I not say it, or how could I say it differently ? It was when I got to working, immersed into practice, that Silence became so flagrant, and established itself naturally, without my thinking about it or fighting it. And yet, I never cease to explore it.
Not unlike Sigyn, the Northern Goddess, and others, these deities who are (sometimes) called “minor goddesses”, who are entitled to simple tasks in appearance, seem to remain unfathomable most of the time. They are misunderstood, and not much looked for. Are they unattractive ? I think they are mainly uneasily understandable and reachable. Their mysteries are pure, but they have to be incarnated, to be lived. And from the outside, our eyes and mind do not see the wealth that lie in simple things, and look for… more “lively”, exciting models. Few people seem to manage to maintain the link and communication, to fully live the relationship with these Goddesses. It was a secund obstacle for me to manage to work with Meretseger – the first being the previously mentionned energetic difficulty – , the fact that my mind was not used to penetrate simplicity, and thus rejecting it as “empty”. The more I think about it, the less surprised I am that I didn’t go beyond either. It gives the impression to stand in front of a pool of water or mist, which you try to hold back into your hands. Or of trying to look through a one-way glass, in vain. No wonder Meretseger did not move into my direction. She was there, and it should have been enough. I have the feeling that she does not are at all about lifting men’s illusions, she has much on her plate already, and she lives her life, fulfill her duty. It’s our part to follow her, actively I mean. To crack her secret, one needs a lot of patience, and to diligence to follow. I assume I was not ready to do that, not at all in the right state of mind, and I did not possess the right approach. If my path had not been the same as Hers, I would most likely never have understood all that ; I would never have come back. Today, after all these revelations, besides the fact I feel a little “stupid”, I find in Her renewed grace, power and beauty, which are so huge and beyond myself, that they fascinate me and make me feel a terrible awe. I feel all the limitations of my humanity, and the grandeur of Her divinity. It is… purity. And never have I experienced it outside of my work around death guides. Hel at first gave me that impression too : the simplicity, the grace, the beauty in its pure form. But Hel has so many fields of expertise, so many things to do in her Realm…. that in this moment of illumination I found that Meretseger has even more power and merit, because She blows my mind with much less than Hel have. Meretseger have something queenly by her pure “simplicity”, but I feel something domestic about Her. Plain matter, leaving in Nature (a sort mountain in Egypt supposedly) or in tombs… which are not her own. She has no home, Her place is the resting places of others. She is all alone, because she is not in the Other World with the Dead, but in the physical one to ward off. Her task is singular, watching and protecting. I barely dare to enounce an oath that came to me during the process, but I pronounce a wish in a whisper : to get back to serving Her, but better than before ; to offer Her a very special place ; to put her at the core of my practice.
Silence is a Mystery, and can be an ecstatic experience. But it is impossible to convey. I have never felt so whole since I’ve been “practicing”. The only comparison I found was my works with the Void : the Void of zen, the Cosmic Void, or the primordial Void, which is mostly talked about in the Northern paths. We tend to define them in negative terms, whereas they are “full”. We tend to say “emptiness”, whereas they are sounds, textures, matter… the wealthy fabric of all possibilities.
And this is so funny that back at the time I looked further, I desperately attemped to find other guides, because I felt shut down, cut off. In my research for the perfect resonance, I had not seen that I had been blessed by Luck : I had found it at first try ! “Hedjet Meretseger” (my Egyptian name), a little bold ? But from this weird and sudden inspiration perspired the deep truth ! It kills me now, it blows my mind and blinds me with its evidence, as if I were looking straight at the sun….