I was being foolish. At least, I forgot an important part of what I had been taught :
The death and rebirth process is very long. Even the death part, for a start, can be. The soul dying from repression, or depression, slows itself down, and shuts itself down, little by little. So that you don’ realise it. It’s excruciating. And once you’ve seen it, there is an even longer road to make.
My shamanic sickness* was of this type. Slow, progressive, extending greatly over the years. My soul was dying. And then, there was the harsh process of realisation, triggered by the Spirits. It was a time bomb, and a cluster bomb too. It exploded in every directions, every areas of my life. My emotions, my relationships, my work, my studies, my path, and my health. It got worse. I was made really sick. It drove me mad at times. I was open enough to get help – professional help that is. But once I started, the obstacles, the road to follow seemed even bigger and farther – and harder – than what had happened before. It was harsh. And the Spirits also tested me during this exhausting step. More and more. Quicker and quicker. Die. Die again ; and again and again. I felt I almost lost my sanity.
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve been feeling a real change. I understood so many things about myself and my path with the Spirits during that most intense year. The shadow work and the work on my psyche – plus the spiritual work – were deep. I’m feeling something new, lighter. It has not only to do with Imbolc ; it is synchronistic though. I’m emerging from my sickness and my death and rebirth’s final step. I’m feeling so much hope… It is new ! No wonder Khepry went back my way. The God of Change, death/rebirth and regeneration. I was feeling small, looking at a wonderful dawn. Khepry. I felt that Imbolc was an irregular tunnel full of bumps, yet helping me shed skins. Looking at the dawning light, I had the impression to be covered by dew. Purified.
But I had forgotten one thing : the death and rebirth process is actually not over. There is one last step to make. When you die, and are reborn, it’s not sufficient to step toward the future. Maybe it’s even impossible at first. You’re stuck. You’re surrounded by shells and waste. If you want to be able to move forward, acknowledging the change is not enough : you have to live it, to stage it.
I was feeling good, purified, but it wasn’t deep enough, not sufficient enough. It is a death, proper. And I had missed a step. I was experiencing a new phase of it : the grieving. I felt something happening but didn’t realise what it was. But that’s it. I was feeling grief – for myself. I have to do it, to feel it, grieve for my old self that died. I am new, but I have to look at what once was and is now dead. Which I have to let go. And to make this step complete, I have to go beyond introspection and contemplation : I have to make myself a ceremony, a funeral. I have to cut off those parts and mourn. And then I’ll purify myself again, to be able to stand in the new dawn.
And then, only then will I be able to make the first step as reborn.
* Let it be noted that a shamanic sickness is supposedly unique (little use to compare) and multifold. Plus, I think it never comes alone. Soul sickness can be a thing of its own, parallel to the shamanic sickness.