A Greek title must feel weird, but I have find no other term to replace it. For it is the right term, and the term that I learned this idea. And what idea is that? – “pharmakôn”, both the remedy and the poison.
It appeared suddenly to me in the shower this morning, while I was pondering of the notion of “gift”, giving, present. For Freyja’s has been adorable, sweet and caring. She has taught me much, and in a moment of great distress, she took what she could find to offer to me as a structure that could support me in order not to collapse. It felt wonderful I must say, one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. She gave me someone. A someone that could alleviate my worries, my pains, my sorrows. A someone that would take care of me, make me take care of myself also, that would love me so much… It was complete bliss after a year of darkness.
We had no plans, we lived fully, enjoyed every bit of it together. We just wanted to be together and commune. I supposed we were not “supposed to” stay together. For he arrived just before I had to move abroad. We did not want to split up, but something in us was so in disbelief that we could manage the distance. Again, we had no plans. We let things happen. We stuck, despite the 6 hours lapse, despite the absolute tearing apart that distance began to create for our relationship that was highly based on the 5 senses and communion in the present moment. We thought we would do our best. We had no plans to split, but yes, it was hard. We wanted to hold up and wait, we wanted to fight until the very end when it would be unbearable and we had no choice anylonger.
Then the gift turned bitter. I was yearning for the effects of the gift, for what “was before”, but we couldn’t have it. I tried to make sense of it but then I turned bitter. Why had the Goddess gave me something so incredible before I was to lose it? Why did she give me a present that my team seem to disapprove of? Why have such a wonderful gift, if I have to choose between him and my whole spirit family? How does it make sense?
Then, this morning, in the shower, that thought. “Gift”. Giving. And suddenly, that word, pronounced through the ages, hearing it pronounced with the voice of one of my former literary and Greek teacher. A lesson given from the Ancestors then, transmitted through occidental culture. Pharmakôn is both the remedy and the poison. Could that be the case in my story then? Can a gift stay a gift, or does a gift always turns sour after a time? Or depending on how you use it?
I wondered about the Goddess. About so many things. What would be the equivalent of pharmakôn in the Norse frame? Freyja is also a Goddess of fertility and of the land, Vanaheim sister. I thought of Fehu, Uruz… and Gebo. Can Gebo become poisonous? I had never asked myself that question in those terms. I remembered that abundance is a flux, it has to circulate, to flow. Can Gebo be just the same way, influx? Did we choke the gift? Stayed to close to it, shutting ourselves from the world? Or was the gift supposed to be temporary? Maybe we should have planted a seed, in order to regenerate something? Or be able to gather the fruit and nourish what we had ourselves?
I don’t know. I wish I did. I assume it would make sense and explain “everything”, giving me perspective. If it was given to me, then I must honor it and reflect on it, understand it. I may have been a lesson for me to learn.