The Day I became Polytheist

It has been years now, almost 4 years or more, that I have been polytheist. In my spiritual life and quest I have grown into a polytheist, then a “hard polytheist”, and been born to my faith many many times, each time deeper.

But yesterday,was different. Thursday April 28, I was born as if for the first time as a pagan polytheist. Because yesterday I made the most significant step of my progressive coming out : I discussed publically of my faith, in a public place, with people I’ve known only for a year (my partner’s closest friends) and “confess” that I’m a polytheist. And by the way they are catholic, maybe even fervent catholic I don’t really know. I feel very weird that the bomb didn’t explode, that they did not faint or run away, or burn me on a stake. They are intelligent, sensible people and yet I was surprise by their very acute, intelligent questions.

– I feel relieved, I feel free.

For the first time in all my attemps, I took entire responsability, I made them pronounce the word for me and yet it was the most direct conversation I had on this topic: accepting to tell, to say that I believe in God, in many Gods, even in all the Gods ; I said yes for the Greek pantheon, I said yes when they said Thor and Odin… (damn’ and the movie’s just been out) – And I’m still alive ! I feel weird but I don’t feel ashamed.

Synchronicities are just perfect. I just saw very quickly checking my messages “Pagan Coming Out Day”, I saw Sannion’d written an article about the closet… but didn’t have time to read, I just had wonders and the idea on my mind… and then this particular night, this dinner at the restaurant, where we comically evoked Pre-colombian Gods, and then raised the fatal question : what do I believe in ? That was it. I thought about this label I hadn’t time to identify (PCOD), and inside a very second I decided to tell the truth, to stop hiding. And Gosh I feel… so intensely great! I think it was the last time I would stay quiet and miserable, removed from society and such topics of conversation. I finally feel totally ‘clean’ with my partner, who’s an absolute now believer. Now I don’t feel like I’m keeping things from him, and there won’t be no drama scene when I move in with all my practice stuff. Now I’m going to live my life fully and wholly integrate my spirituality. No shame of what I am, only confidence in life and the Gods. No more books hiding, or lies about what my shrine is… No more.

And I feel thankful to the Gods, I feel blessed to be a polytheist.

I wish your Pagan Coming Out Day will feel as great as mine.

http://www.paganprincesses.com/may-2nd-is-international-pagan-coming-out-day/
http://amethjera.blogspot.com/2011/04/few-personal-thoughts-on-national-pagan.html
http://thehouseofvines.wordpress.com/2011/04/26/closets-are-for-clothes/
http://www.thorncoyle.com/2011/04/why-come-out-for-tempest-smith/
http://thehouseofvines.wordpress.com/2011/04/29/in-honor-of-pagan-coming-out-day-my-story/

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Dionysos & I, a weird relationship

This was originally the piece I wrote for Sannion’s coming book on Dionysos Ecstatic.

Distant respect

I feel weird, deeply humble by the attention that Dionysos has developed for me for the past 6 months. I did not look for him, I did not worship him regularly, and yet he came – insistently. I was a little scared at the beginning because he showed me his dark and savage face, a huge shadow for a God of the Wild – maybe it was his Lord of the Forest look. Needless to say, I was highly impressed. But then, it appeared that he had some things to say to me. So I struggled to find what, and finally I found Sannion’s blog; two week later I learned that he was delivering oracles for Dionysos himself. It was too huge a sign! I wrote down an email. And the mystery began to grow.

For indeed, the God, even if I knew him since my adolescence, was a stranger to me; I never really approached him since I became a polytheist. So why would he take an interest in me? Why now? Why would he help? I’ve not found all the answers yet, but it is true nevertheless that he stays along my spiritual path, as a kind of watcher. He seems to feel like putting me back on track when I’m lost, even if I don’t ask anything. I doubted, as anyone would have I guess. I was skeptical, I didn’t want to project my will on him. So I just observed, and didn’t draw conclusions about his presence. But I couldn’t help being disturbed, all the more so since the oracles I got from him (thanks to Sannion’s intermediary) were mind blowing. No, I mean, really, really, mind blowing. It was so accurate, deep, long term, very precise about what kind of person I am, and what life is ahead of me. I can’t give the details here, but Sannion can confirm the depth of his “prophecies”. Since September 2010, omens have been plenty to highlight what he wanted to tell; about my personal evolution, and about my path as a mystic pagan. It appeared that he showed me that my visions since adolescence were true, and all that I felt about many gods and spirits was true too. He helped me in the harsh process of lifting (up?) my fears I had been struggling with, helped me too grasping my personal self and potential, and, what was truly amazing, he helped me in my relationship with my Matron Goddess, Morrigan. The piling up was really awe-inspiring.

The Gods are supposed to be perfection, so I shouldn’t have been surprised by the clarity and deep truth he held about my life. And yet, coming from his mouth, a God that was not close to me, it was disturbing. And seeing that he had close relationship to some deities of my Celtic and Gaulish pantheon left me very puzzled, I would never have thought such inter-pantheon understanding was possible. Or maybe I wondered about the possibility, but it was far more intense to experience it than just assume. Such clarity and acuteness, about everything, was bewildering. He offered me such a right perception of Morrigan (and others), and knew our relationship so well from the outside, it was very humbling. And I still don’t know why he came, why he cares.

However, since then I have added him to my working pantheon, and from time to time I do offerings to him. It’s strange that we are not close and yet have a deep bond, sharing thoughts about my path. There’s a very powerful respect on both sides, but we look at each other from a distance. Despite these strange facts, it’s one of the most authentic and direct relationship I have to a God.

Valiel, French polytheist.

January 2011

Hard to keep it straight

After a tremendous beginning in my special worship of Morrigan, I encountered a “down” phase, which troubles me.

I know such thing happens, quite often maybe. But I was wishing I could avoid it. At first it disappointed me, but it then made me think : maybe it’s just a reminder that I’m only a human, and that I’ll remain one. It may also be because such intense work with the Gods need to be integrating, and for that one need an empty space (in the body, mind and spirit). So let’s call it a break. I need time to know what to do next, to strenghten the worship. But I think Morrigan understood something that I didn’t see coming : in fact I even need to develop my own polytheism. It’s my purpose, my wish, but I sort of let it go loose for the last past months, or at least, I explored quite randomly. I was very pleased to work with Dionysos, Diana, Artemis my old Guide, Persephone, Demeter, Meretseger (real help for my work with Death), and some others. It was good, but it lacked…. I don’t know, something like being grounded. So I settled down in my personal secular life in order not to be torn apart, and to get the proper serenity and stability. But this, as usual, often leads me to “stopping” my spiritual activities. It was a little scary, but I didn’t pay attention because it happened before, and I know that things move themselves and come back to normal later.

So during this period I tried to focus, to learn more about myself, my strenghs and weaknesses. I developped Qi Gong and Tai Chi practises which help me so much…. I’m working on feeling the energies of things (animals, humans, emotions, thoughts, pains, …) and do begin my apprenticeship in healing. At first I couldn’t see the point, but now I know I was right to do it and holding on : because now I begin feeling the energies involved in healing (my own, the others), and my hands feel better such things, I’m better at massage things, maybe I’ll be able to “manipulate” energies soon… I also settled the zen spirit of many of my practises (tea, drawing, contemplation), got back to my relationship with the runes, worked with animals and plants.

But after all this mess here I am, and now I’m back. Back to my polytheism. Ready to start over my worships with my gaulish pantheon. And that, Morrigan saw it coming long before me. Because Belenos went forth and present himself to me, and I think he has not left any second since. Today I realised that I have stuffs to do with Esus, starting praying and worshiping, but also starting a series of encounters (to know him), because He is the very right God I need for my works with the Underworld. As I realised reading Sarah Lawless. And so Morrigan may actually be respecting my own rhythm this time, and not pushing me… Just waiting for her own time to come. And I’m very glad about it. That we respect each other human or God, and work together as family. Damn’, I’m grateful.

Morrigan’s Sanctuary

I wish there were here some people who can read french, at least a little.

I present here to you a personal project which did not came from my mind, but directly from Morrigan Herself. One night as I was surfing on the Internet, She “rode” me as I think one says : She possessed my spirit/mind and made me create this Sanctuary which was to be a public place of devotion. It is more complicated, because it’s also a personal thing : this is Mabon and I chose to engage deeply to Her as She asked me one year ago (see the article “Inside the Cave”), so this Sanctuary is also planned to host my personal experiences as Morrigan’s follower, my studies, … and so on. But I/She wanted it to be public : to people to get to know her, but also a place to collect information, to share studies, articles, ressources, devotions, … So people are encouraged to send their personal testimonies, articles, drawings, poems, links, …

http://lantredemorrigan.wordpress.com/

This is huge for me, this marks a very important and deep step in my spirituality. I wish I could share it with you.

The return of the Greek Gods ?

What the f…? First Dionysos comes back into my life, and then many other Greek Gods!

– I heard and dreamt about Morpheus… Maybe because I have sleep troubles.

– And above all, I feel something very deep about Persephone. I have an history with her, as I did with Dionysos, Artemis, Athena and some other Gods. It’s strange because she’s always reassured me, make feel peaceful, soothe my stress… And I had a friend who was just so like her. And today, for a little more than a week, She’s back : a close pagan friend of mine is being looking after by this Goddess and so she makes a lot of research and shares them with me. As I read, I remember myself, past relations with Her, … And I’m bewildered : I know her very well, I’ve read much stuff, and yet I never thought of her, of looking for her help whereas She is just what I need. I have family trouble to make it short, the classic problem of distanciation between mother and daughter, personality problems, fusion, adulthood and so on. Why ? Why didn’t I think about it ? Damn’… and now there She is. I can’t feel her like I did with Dionysos. But I know, intellectually, that She can be the very proper help.

And now I wonder… why are all these Greek Gods coming out of nowhere in my life ? I knew my sensibility is so that this pantheon was “mine”, but I didn’t expected so concrete experiences, and not all at once. I guess Artemis, my adolescence patron Goddess, is waiting in the shadow for her own time to come…