Shaman Sickness, Part I: Enter the Madness

This so needed to be out there. Writing such an article takes guts. It’s super personal and a very delicate matter subject to judging and all kinds of shit. A must read. Mythical initiations and identification, road to madness, shaman sickness.

 

Shaman Sickness, Part I: Enter the Madness.

 

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Spirits are always right

– It’s just that we misinterpret.

A very controversial sentence indeed, but on purpose, to make people think about it. Spirits and Gods sometimes fool us, we know that, either just to be “mean” or to test us. But most of the time, when they send you a vision, a message, I think it’s true.

At least for myself it has always been true since the very beginning. And I thought about an experience that I had “forgotten” for 6 months : a shapeshifting with the ant, that I supposed was of no “importance”, or not a message sent on purpose at least. Yet it came at a very crucial moment : my retirement from the internet and the city, during the summer holiday, my annual trip when I can disappear into nature and contemplation. I was thus pondering on the past year and my struggling with the Gods, with my path. In the afternoon under the sun, in the sand of the garden, I was wondering if I had the strength and guts to take a spiritual “charge”/function as I looked for (and was shown to me) when I made this very short but intense experience : I made a short “trip” into the life of an ant (shapeshifting). Considering my little tiny size and the huge size of the entreprise (the public charge), I felt ridicule and unappropriate, I even thought my ego had won over me. So I decided to take this as a sign of the need to work in the shadow, to learn humility.

But in August when I came back and talked to Sannion, he offered me a different perspective – which revealed itself to me true one month ago :

The ant is indeed a small and humble creature – but that’s not what truly stands out about them, or at least didn’t for the ancients. The ant devotes its whole life, its whole being to its work. It has no interests, no social ties outside of the work that it does. Continually it’s storing up food, building tunnels, etc. while the other insects play. Maybe what the vision is indicating is that that is likewise the path of priesthood you should pursue, a path of service and dedication.

I guess it was not just a random experience, it was really a test and message from the Spirits and Gods, and I misinterpreted it for 6 months. So what ? They came back rushing onto me (see the previous article) in order to show me directly this time without possible errror. Sannion, my friend, you were right from the beginning. The ant is a metaphor of my spiritual life to come, a very hard life of complete service and devotion, of charges and responsabilities, because they chose so, and because I have the abilities.

When Gods and Spirits “bully” you

Yeah, because there are hard times when you think they push you too much and too hard. – That’s what I went through for the past week . And gosh, it seemed long !

The fact is that, most of the times, the more you work and open yourself, the more the Gods and Spirits rush through. Since I didn’t only want to be a devotee, but wanted to “experience” deities, and somehow uttered the wish of listening to them (and serve), they got me literally. They took me at my words. So on the way, I felt more and more indeed, I was able to hear them and respond. But what I hadn’t seen coming, is that it went quicker than I planned, was more efficient !

There are times, rare times but still more frequent than for most people, when I am totally open. What does that mean ? It means that any entity that passes by can come and communicate with and through me. Dead peole, Gods, Spirits, and the like. The difficulty is when they come and speak all together at the same time. Yes, it’s possible. Even if it’s only one powerful deity or spirit that possess you fully it can be disturbing. The thing is that you go through the great danger (peril?) of losing yourself : you really can go mad. You can lose the sense of what is real and what is not, what is there and what is not, of who you are, what you’re capable of and so on.

What happens is that you benefit for a short period of the subtle and perfect view of the Spirit(s) and/or God(s). It is not human, it is different and “higher” in a way. That’s is why it is so hard to grasp. When the Gods and Spirits are too close to you, or too present in your open mind, you can lose your self, literally, your ego. You see most of the times with their eyes, but still a little with yours, which produces a very disturbing dephasing effect. It seems inappropriate, impossible, crazy… It sets you apart from people, from things, from the world.

When you are the type of person who commits himself for real, to the Spirits and Gods, you are likely to be answered. The Gods and Spirits show you what you look for, sometimes even more what you should look for. And in such cases of “full opening”, when they all show you things you seemingly did not ask, it’s harsh for you. It feel as if the Gods and Spirits are forcing you things you don’t want to, you didn’t ask for, as if they are bullying you. In fact it is only an impression most of the time, due to the fact that they are so close (or “up there” in your mind) that you can’t see clearly. – Plus the fact you often forgot that you committed and asked.

The thing is that it’s hard anyway for anyone to endure. And often, we lose control progressively without realising it we tend to “elevate” ourselves from the soil since we are turned towards subtile vibrations, thoughts, and visions (which is more linked to air and ether). So as I figured out, help by Sarenth in the process, the best thing in such cases, with the fright, the doubts, and the like, it to shut up. I mean, use whatever means you can to detach yourself from all of it, any feelings you have. For this use silence (not writing, not talking), and make grounding exercice. It will help you detach from the situation, but also from what is put into your head by the Gods and Spirits, and finally, it’s also a way to detach from your “lost”, doubting self so as to find your way back in the end. Be patient, wait for the moment when the tempest cools down and allows you to see.

Hymn to Winter Fairies

My holiday trip to the East of France lead me to an incredible land of winter and snow…. And inspired me this hymn to Winter Fairies.

“A mysterious train flies by at midnight, dark shadow upon white mantel ;
A winter tale from a strange land, magic is at work ;

The wind blows over the empty fields, ripples on the river ;
There’s something in the air, energy flowing round in a dance ;

Fairies of Snow.”

Researchs

It’s hard to make real articles on my current activities lately, because I make more “banal” stuff, like feeling, walking, picking, …. And my work with the spirits cannot yet be describe : I can’t actually analyse what happens. I feel, but can’t understand, can’t explain, can’t even find words. I guess I need more time and practice… [And apart from that I work everyday with Morrigan for my path and the Temple]

What I can say, still, is that I explore many things. I try to remember the names of plants, some properties, I take things from the forest and thank her, later I come back with offerings, … And I work to identify the spirits I encounter (their nature) and the type of place they like. Eg : moss, certain trees, light or shadow, …. There is the Spirit of the Forest herself, but there are also spirits that dwell here, passing spirits (visitors), fairies, earth elemental beings, …

And for a week, I’ve been obsessed and dreamt of spindle tree without even realising. But today for my weekly walk in the forest, I’ve seen some, and I couldn’t repress my yearning to pick up a branch, the which is totally alive. I then realised that it’s a guiding spirit…. so obvious but I couldn’t see. I decide then to begin a cycle of work with the spirit of spindle tree to see what it wants to teach me. It will be a rich experience I’m sure.

The Forest is Alive !

I guess that what is puzzling with shamanism is that you do not see your own progress. – And that is my case.

I have a very lovely forest near my place and I go there quite often with my parents or with my best friend. For months now, I have acquired a sort of ritual each time I go. As we go up the hill I focus on the intention, I begin to connect with the forest. Before, I just imagined, or rather visualise, I guess, or I concentrated on details willingly. It was very naive. Now I have learned to really open my mind, to alter my consciousness state, and I really get things. It is so that the wind tells me the right direction, offers me an interesting odour to reflect upon, the sun reveals invisible details, I’m able to see the very tiny particules of life everywhere even under the leaves and in the shade. I thought I would never be able to do it, but finally I can the “locus animi”, the Spirit of the Forest, and all the elemental, small spirits, nymphs, whatever. And the Forest is SO alive ! The colors are deep, the sounds are endless, life is everywhere to be observed, tracks of wild animals,  … And so many signs, so many coïncidence. I had an amazing encounter with 5 deers on the path as I asked to the Forest to meet my Totem ! I can asked for secret ways, sometimes I see doors, moving shadows, and I even heard the Spirits speak. The rhythm of the walk, the rhythm of the breath, the visual effect of my pendulum/wheeling prayer beads, the effect of the soil under my moving feet, all this is a thread to follow for trance to happen and it is really efficient even if I’m just a beginner.

My work with the Spirits is becoming intense. And I have so much to do.

I feel so Alive. I feel so blessed and grateful.